Where are your Friends when the going gets tough?

Where are your friends when ya need ’em?

I get by with a little help from my friends

Ringo Starr

Why is it that when a woman is going through a tough spot, people leave her alone?

Yet, when a man is going through a tough ordeal, people rally round him.  They bring him food, they offer to make him dinner, they clean his house.

The Evidence 

I’ve seen this first hand.

When a friend died, people tripped over themselves to help her husband.  I went over and cleaned his filthy house, made food, helped out with the kids.

Yet when a family friend lost her husband, no one went over to clean her house or made her food.  After a couple of weeks, people stopped calling.  Why?

When Agent Y left her husband, people went over to help her wasband.  Some of her friends cut her off outright and wouldn’t speak to her.  I was one of those that offered help because I considered myself both their friends and wasn’t about to cut either out of my life.  Luckily she is so charming and personable, she was not left alone too long.  Now she has many good friends around her.

Friends – M.I.A.

In going through the divorce my wasband ordered – in which I’m doing ALL the work – I’ve noticed a deafening silence from our “friends”.  No one calls to ask how I’m doing.  Certainly no one is coming over with food or offers to help of any kind.  Only Agent Y has kept in touch.

Meanwhile, my wasband is getting offers of dinner and support.  AND he’s the one asking for the divorce.  He’s the one telling me that I’m not worthy of respect and not worth the effort.  AND our “friends” are rallying round him!?!?!?  WTF!

It’s even more unfair when you know the newly single guy won’t be alone for long.  He’s usually picked up a girlfriend long before the newly single woman does.  At least that’s the way I’ve noticed it happens within my circle of acquaintances.


Do people perceive that women are more capable and therefore not needing help?  Do they believe that women don’t need sympathy and support?  Are they afraid that the woman will be too needy and they just don’t want to hear about her problems and the impending divorce? Or maybe they never really were my friends at all?  I’m beginning to think it’s the latter.

What about my friends?

Over the years, my friends have dropped off.  Partly due to the fact my wasband couldn’t handle them and partly because I chose to let them go in order to help my marriage.  I adopted his “buddies” because it was easier than trying to get him to adopt mine.  In retrospect, that wasn’t very smart.


In addition to his “buddies”, I gained pseudo friends as his pals got married or had long term girlfriends.  While I enjoyed their company and became good friends with some, they never really replaced the intimate friends of my past.  The ones that I did all the crazy things with.  The ones that knew me when I was young and fun and still had dreams.

To be fair, it’s hard to have a solid friendship when you’re trying to hold a relationship together and having kids.  There’s very little room left for an intimate friendship.  And when do you have time to just drop everything and go for a last minute, crazy weekend in Seattle?  Not often.

The New Normal?

But, according to several divorce sites on the net, friends choosing sides and / or disappearing is quite normal.  Unfortunately it makes for a very lonesome and depressing time for the person being dumped.  Yesterday I cried because the thought of junior leaving and being utterly alone was overwhelming.

My future is going to entail going out and making new friends.  I don’t know how I’m going to do that but I guess I’ll have to learn if I don’t want to be sitting at home alone for the rest of my life.

Yet I’m not entirely alone.  I have a handful of friends I can call on and they will listen and be empathetic.  After which they will offer advice and, possibly, kick my butt into gear.

Truth be told, I’d rather have a handful of good friends that I can count on than a whole herd of acquaintances.  I want to know that if I’m in trouble, I can pick up the phone and my friend will be there rather than get some lame excuse as to why he/she can’t make it.

So long

And so, to all those friends who choose my wasband over me – So long, and thanks for all the fish.

It’s been a slice.  Maybe we’ll see ya round some time.  And try not to talk smack about me in front of my kid.  Thanks.



One thought on “Where are your Friends when the going gets tough?

  1. So true. What is that about?
    Maybe it’s because us women still are the number one carers and family managers. So we pity the man who does not have a woman, because he has no quality of life, and because he is needy.
    Everyone knows you will be okay, they are not so sure about wasband. They know he made a bad move and will have to live with the fall out.
    My two cents, for what it’s worth.

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