I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been praying’ for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Johnny Nash – I can see Clearly Now
Thank Goodness that the year is “was”
My first inclination is to describe 2015 as an “annus horibilis”.
Certainly there were enough bad things going on to warrant it.
My dear parents had a helluva year, health wise. Both were in hospital, twice. Mom fared better and bounced back fairly well. Dad had to stay in the hospital a few weeks longer until we had an idea of how to get him home.
As for me, I didn’t darken the doorway of the gym all year and my body made me pay for it. There were sore knees, sore back, sore tummy, sore toes, etc.
It’s hard to imagine that it was just last January the wasband was still in the house and I was living in a very negative environment. I was constantly being reminded that he was on the way out, he being unhelpful and really focusing on himself. When he finally moved out in April he cherry picked what he wanted to take with him, leaving me with a big clean up job. He didn’t give a rodent’s behind how I was going to deal with it.
I went back to work full time in order to barely make financial ends meet. Basically taking whatever work was available. It was clear that I would have to get a second job in order to not end up in the red every month. So I was going back to school to get yet another certificate which would hopefully parlay into some contract work outside of my full time job.
Junior was having a hard time adjusting to the implosion of his parents marriage and was trying his best. His school marks suffered and he started acting out more often. All I could do was just hug him and tell him it was going to be alright.
Meanwhile I was feeling incredibly alone and abandoned by everyone. The future looked like a long, lonely void. So I didn’t take care of myself very well and stuffed my feelings down with anything. I looked and felt a million years old.
The only vacation of the year was one 3 day vacation which went horribly. Junior was in full blown, obnoxious teenager mode. He didn’t want to do anything or participate in anything. There was more yelling than anything else done on that vacation. Such a joy.
There was the mayhem around moving out of my dream house. The packing, the boxing and donating, the organizing movers and helpers. Basically I was going through my married life and figuring out what stayed and what needed to go. Sentimental objects from my distant past also had to go: letters from grandparents, newspaper clippings from events that moved me, small objects that brought back faces of old friends. The future had to be faced unencumbered by sadness of the past so in the donation bin it all went.
To top it off, once I moved in, I realized how badly the “renovations” had been done. So I was looking at having walls, gates, windows, new roof and electrical work done in order to get the place just up to a half decent level. Never mind all the holes in the walls that needed to be properly finished or the electrical outlets that were missing face plates.
The hatred that seeped into the world was heartbreaking. So many people dead all because of a bunch of bullies who couldn’t handle not getting their way.
Accentuate the positive
But there were also a lot of positive things too.
Freedom in Sight
In April, I signed my separation agreement which started the permanent removal of the wasband from my life. In September the official release papers were submitted to the courts. So, whenever the courts get round to it, I will be a free agent again.
My wonderful uncle and his lady friend came for a visit. For those of you with big families in the neighbourhood, you probably don’t want them round all the time. But since most of my family are on the other side of the world, it’s always wonderful to have them here. With family you don’t really to explain anything. Since you share the same denominator, they just get it.
Junior grew almost 12 inches in one year and is becoming a tall, strapping, handsome lad. Plus his voice dropped 3 octaves. When Uncle was here, it was hard to tell which one of them was talking.
I connected with my Viking family more than I ever have before, albeit by e-mail. It was nice to hear news outside of my little world. Helped keep perspective on things.
When I was in danger of being overwhelmed by the logistics of moving, I asked my friends for help, and they came through. God bless every one of them. Plus my friend in Paris was safe and so were her family.
I moved into a nice house which felt like a chance to start over. Everything in the house was now mine and it was going to be set up as I liked it. Only my friends would be coming over and I could serve what I liked, drink the wines and play the music I liked. And wasband wasn’t going to be allowed beyond the front stoop.
And in the End
Reading over the negatives, it doesn’t sound too bad but the strain was very hard. I was working full time, helping junior deal with a break up and his worries about his grandparents health. Visiting hospitals, not taking care of myself, putting up with wasband, financial issues, feeling alone.
Yet when the 2015 culminated with both my parents being in hospital and possibly not coming home for Christmas, I realized that I’d managed to gain enough personal fortitude over the year that I was better able to handle the issues coming our way, even when they seemed to be changing hourly.
On New Year’s eve, I lay in bed and contemplated the coming year. In the end, I had a roof over my head, food and a comfy bed. Lots of people in the world couldn’t even say that for themselves.
I was going to be okay.