The Soundtrack of a Year
Music has always been a huge part of my life. Some albums I loved so much and played so often that they became the background
soundtrack to my life. The songs would be playing in the back of my mind for whatever situation I was in, like a movie soundtrack.
I’ve often found that when a situation arouse, the music that needed to accompany that scenario showed up as well. Like the universe sending me musical karma to make it through.
A year of Turmoil
This past year has been a helluva one: divorce, health issues, parents, son, working full time, moving. It has been a year of very stressful and emotional situations that required me to shelve my feelings in order to make it through.
Old and New
There was a lot of new music that came into my life which I really enjoyed. Artists like Frank Turner, Nathanial Radcliffe and the Night Sweats, Pink.
A lot of music from my past resurfaced as well. Not only stuff I love to listen to but stuff I used to dislike tremendously. The ones I like are: Echo and the Bunnymen, Bauhaus, Iggy Pop. The “other” stuff comes from the Band, Gilbert O’Sullivan and Michael Macdonald/Patti Labelle!
So here goes.
August – September 2014
We’ll start with D day, the day the wasband said I wasn’t worth the effort and he didn’t respect me and that he wanted a divorce.
When I was with the wasband, I was alone most of the time. He wasn’t a very good husband, not very kind or capable of showing affection. Particularly in the last 5 – 10 years, he was cold hearted and emotionally cruel at times, becoming more self-absorbed as time marched on. So, to be fair, I was already alone. He just made it official. Now I was looking at spending my remaining years alone rather than in a partnership as I had imagined.
Once the initial shock was over. I got onto getting the paperwork done to finish the job the wasband started. I felt the need to get some control over the process. If I left it up to him, nothing would ever get done. If he wanted it over, he was going to get it and as quickly as possible. I likened it to cutting off a gangrenous leg.
He kept wanting to “sit down and talk about it”. He didn’t listen to me while we were married and now he thought that we’d be able to discuss killing our marriage in a civil fashion. Not a chance. I got a lawyer.
And as I ran to the gym to get away from him, I started to feel stronger and more kick ass. Just like Pink!
I was feeling strong and powerful. I had a vacation coming, even if it was with the wasband, and I was feeling positive. I was going to get out there and try things I hadn’t tried before. Iggy was on my gym playlist and this song reminded me of when I was a young punk, dancing the night away.
It was weird celebrating Christmas with the wasband, all of us knowing this would be the last time he shared my family’s table at this time. “Enjoy it, you swine.” I thought.
He pulled out all the stops and bought good Christmas presents. He actually got me 1.) a present and 2.) one that he had put thought into. There were many Christmas’ that I was in tears because he had been “too busy” to buy me a gift or been given a gift he had picked up at the drugstore last minute. He of course had time to buy gifts for his customers, his employees, friends – just not me. I bought junior’s gifts.
I took a break from writing the separation agreement and enjoyed the season.
January – February 2015
Spent New Year’s alone, just didn’t have the heart to be sociable. Then Dad was going in for surgery, I started working full time, wasband was in a holding pattern in the basement. I started working harder on the separation agreement and by February had a solid
draft plus parenting plan into my lawyer.
The house was feeling like no man’s land. Bela Lugosi’s dead, the all night version was brilliant to zone out to. The long intro and echoing bass line pretty much said it all for me.
I was worried about my dad and his big operation. His recovery was slow. Meanwhile I was doing all the work on the separation agreement while wasband and his lawyer kept saying, “It’s taking too long!” Could try and help, gomez!
So sis and I were running back and forth to the hospital, trying to help dad stay motivated to get stronger, helping mom and organizing home help. Then junior needed support and was dealing with big feelings and emotions, plus I was trying to get a move out date from wasband so I could get him gone. All this and still coming home and making dinner.
With my dad on the mend and the wasband finally getting ready to leave, the melancholy came back. I had to do a lot of things on my own that normally wasband would take care of. The tires on the car needed to be changed. It also needed a lamp replaced. The bathroom had to be repainted so I spent the Easter weekend doing all the work, alone, while husband took care of himself and his needs.
I started changing the house accounts over to my solo name, removing all references to wasband on any account we shared. Definitely on my own now.
May & June 2015
In the surprising warm weather, I spent a lot of time looking out at the night sky, just observing. It felt like external circumstances were driving my life, I wasn’t able to navigate, just look out the window. Wasband was finally out and I was getting the lay of the single landscape and MY house. I started looking at what was going to stay and what was going to go. Then there were days I just wanted to get in the car and drive away.
The blue feeling was back and I felt like I was turning in circles. All the things that needed to be done around the house left me neither time or money to enjoy life or take junior out to have some fun. I took a week off work and ended up painting and fixing up the basement so it was finally finished. I was eating and drinking too much and I really needed to get away. Unfortunately my short retreat to Harrison Hot springs was disastrous. Junior was being a really obnoxious teenager and his behaviour basically ruined the trip.
I wasn’t taking care of myself. Late nights, poor food, no fun left me feeling disembodied all the time. It was like a month long out of body experience. Then the whirlwind around buying and selling my home put my physically over the edge. I was sleep walking through everything. Not happy, Bob!
So my house was sold and all the emotions of an era ending started. This was the finale scene of this chapter of my life. Problem was I still didn’t know where I was going or how to start writing the next chapter. I was feeling very lonely and adrift. On top of that, I had a self imposed time constraint to get rid of stuff. I had to decide what stuff would follow me into my new life and what I could let go off. Looking through my old possessions made me realize that I used to have a lot of fun, pre-wasband. Somehow I had let that part of me die. Very sad situation indeed.
The pressure of moving and packing was getting to me. I was pissed that the wasband left me with the big job of cleaning up 20 years of marriage stuff. I was really missing my son and I got pissed when wasband took him away from me every other week.
The crowning glory was I had to share a family birthday with the wasband because he was invited. I didn’t enjoy it and most of my friends didn’t think it was cool. He even showed up to drive junior and I to the birthday, as if we were one happy family! I thought, “You shouldn’t be rewarded for kicking me to the curb! You shouldn’t be allowed to enjoy my family when you’re not part of it anymore!”
It was a very angry month and I felt like I needed a drink to take the edge off far too often.
So here’s the song that hopefully will be in the soundtrack of my future. That’s what I’m going to work towards. It’s about being sexy, independent, having my people, having fun and being comfortable in my own skin. I’m hoping to be a little more carefree, travelling down the road with a lighter load.